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Time For My Yearly Martha Stewart Rant

February 16, 2014

Last December I shared my “I Hate Martha” story that I wrote in 1996.

So, in keeping with tradition, I thought I would I would bitch about Martha again this December.  Nothing says MERRY CHRISTMAS (to me) like bashing Martha.  Some of you may say that I’m just jealous.  Really???  What’s there to be jealous of  – except for the money, fame, adulation, gorgeous properties and furnishings, famous friends, and the ability to make EVERYONE in the world feel inferior??  Ok, maybe I am a little bit impressed with Martha and her empire – but it’s much more entertaining to hate on her. 

I used to adore Martha. I really did! I loved her ability to decorate, arrange flowers, label things, and – most importantly – make homemade graham crackers. I tried to emulate her because I wanted to be “perfect” like her. The problem is, after failing at being “Martha-Perfect” many, many, MANY times – I became discouraged. She made it look so effortless – so easy!! Why was I having such a difficult time doing things that looked so easy to Martha!? I decided to do a little behind-the-scenes research on Martha. What I found out was both disturbing – AND enlightening.

First off, Martha has a staff of hundreds of capable people who do her bidding. I, on the other hand, have no people doing my bidding. I actually have 4 large adults who passive-aggressively work against me as I try to make my home more Martha-like. Me: “Hey! I just organized our pantry in alphabetical order and labeled everything so it all has its place. Doesn’t it look great?” Four Large Adults: “I don’t know. I really feel like we should re-arrange it based upon color. But if we do that, should it be arranged by the color of the outside of the can – or what is inside of the container. And, if we do it by the color of what is inside of the container – that means that Kraft Macaroni and Cheese should go right next to the Cap ’N Crunch cereal which should go right next to the Cheetos.” Me: “I hate you.” Four Large Adults: “Just trying to help, Mom.”

This is NOT my pantry.  I know because of the absence of Cap N' Crunch and Cheetos.

This is NOT my pantry. I know because of the absence of Cap N’ Crunch and Cheetos.

Next, Martha only sleeps a couple of hours every night. I would like to be able to survive on 2 hours of sleep every night, but I need more rest – or the next day people would take one look at my zombie-like eyes and run away in horror. A person can get a lot more done in a day if they have 22 hours of productive time verses 16. Additionally, I am forced to play my Facebook games for an a couple of hours or so or I get crabby. That takes away another couple of hours of productive time. Then I have an actual JOB. Unlike Martha, my job is NOT BEING MARTHA, so that is another 8 hours of time away from being fabulous. Then I have to cook, clean and have marital relations with my husband. Martha probably orders take-out Chinese every night – and has scared away every man within 250 miles of the internet. AND – and this is the kicker – her daughter said – and I quote: “Martha always says she changes her sheets every day. But what she really means is that she has her sheets changed every day.” That is a HUGE difference in semantics. Martha was lying through omission. SHE DOESN’T change her sheets. Her minions change her sheets. Big difference. Huge.

Then, why is there the REAL pronunciation of words – and MARTHA’S way of pronouncing words? Why Herb, Martha? Why? I realize that Brits say HERB, but like Madonna – you are not British! Embrace your American-ness and give it a rest. It’s (H)ERB, Martha! (H)ERB!! (H)ERB!! (H)ERB!! I want to hit you over the head with a big bouquet of (H)ERBS!!!! Also, if you would have had your grandmother as your first grade teacher – and gone to the school where your Mother taught at when you were in second grade – you would have been taught that when pronouncing words, the rule is: THE SILENT “E” MAKES THE VOWEL SAY IT’S NAME. Like in the instance of Marinade. It should be pronounced: Mare-in-ADE (the silent “E” at the end makes the “A” say it’s name.) To top this weird phenomenon off – Martha actually realizes that she is not saying the word MARINADE correctly because in the next sentence she said she was MAR-IN-AAAAA-DING the chicken. Not mar-in-NODDING the chicken. MARTHA: Do you really need to change the pronunciation to mar-uh-nahd just to make yourself more unique? More extraordinary? More superior? Martha, I want you to know that you are all those things and more – without having to make up super-special ways to pronounce words. I mean WTF? Who else in the world makes homemade candy corn?? REALLY??

Because Candy Corn is one of those things that is worth spending inordinate amounts of time to improve upon.  Not.

Because Candy Corn is one of those things that is worth spending inordinate amounts of time to improve upon. Not.

So, as I bring in the year 2014, I wanted to give Martha her yearly due. My subdued admiration – and controlled disdain of all she does is a juxtaposition – but so is she. A beautiful accomplished hot mess.

What am I saying?? I just described myself. Maybe I have become Martha after all.



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