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Won’t You NOT BE My Neighbor?

July 31, 2013

There is a saying that you can pick your friends, but you can’t choose your family. I don’t think you can choose your neighbors, either. You can be blissfully living in your home – when all of a sudden Honey Boo-Boo & Co. buys the house next door. You can be sleeping in your apartment until the bass from the new guy downstairs moves your bed across the floor. You can be admiring the view out your condo window – and then find yourself face-to-face with fat-naked-man in his condo across the way. Neighbors are the luck of the draw, and SOME neighbors are worse than others. I would vote for fat-naked-man, but that’s just me.

We have some awesome neighbors – BUT we also have some crappy neighbors. I would like to talk about the crappy neighbors because they piss me off and I wish they would die go away. Some of our neighbors are so bad that they get written up in the paper!! You have to be a really, really crappy neighbor to be written up in the paper. (Although our paper is not at the top of the editorial food-chain.  The police blotter regularly  features items like: “A hanger found in a driveway in the 1500 block of Sixth Street caused suspicion.”  or  “A woman on Oak Street became suspicious when she discovered a wet footprint on her front porch. It was her own.” or  “A dispute over garbage can placement has broken out between neighbors.” or the best yet: “Two suspicious men wearing suits were seen entering a bank on Mercantile Drive. It turned out they were bank employees.”)

Our crappy neighbors are divided into two categories: Stupid Dog Owning Crappy Neighbors, and Illegal Pool Owning Crappy Neighbors.  The Stupid Dog Neighbors are harmless – but they bug me the most.  For YEARS they owned this Dalmatian kept in a caged run that barked.  ALL. THE. TIME.  As noted in a previous blog, I wear earplugs – but this dog’s bark was at that unusual frequency that passes right through earplugs  His bark was rhythmic and non-stop.  If he paused for a moment, I would stop whatever I was doing and hold my breath – until he started barking again.  The police were regular visitors to the dog house – because our city has an ordinance that says after 20 minutes of dog-barking you can call the police – but aside from stationing an officer outside the home 24/7, (MY idea!!) only so much could be done.  The owners would walk the dog infrequently, because it was like a hate parade:  All of us would come out on our front lawns to stare angrily at them walking by.  They kept their heads down in a walk of shame – of course the dumbass dog just looked at us like we were all there for his benefit – as he peed on our lawns.  I even went as far to put a brochure for a shock-collar into their mailbox, but got no results.  (I am surprised I did not read about it in the police blotter: Dog Shock Collar brochure placed in mailbox without proper postage!!  BUT, since I watch crime shows a lot, I knew to wipe down the brochure and wear gloves so the brochure could not be traced back to me.)

Don't tase me, bro!!

Don’t tase me, bro!!

Then one day….. no barking.  And it went on for a few days – NO BARKING!!  OMG !! DING DONG THE STUPID-ASS DOG IS DEAD!!!  It was so awesome.  People opened their windows.  Picnics and lawn parties were had by all!  I got my first good night’s sleep in years.  It was like it was the end of a zombie invasion and people began to resume their normal lives.

For about 2 months.

Then all of a sudden – there was whining AND dog barking again!  For the love of God, these people got another dog.  I truly wanted to kill them to move away.  We (I) began an immediate campaign with the police to make sure that this dog did not turn into a bad sequel.  And so far, the barking is not unbearable.  I still hate those neighbors for being selfish – and stupid – but as I said earlier, I can’t choose my neighbors.

Which brings me to the Illegal Pool Owning Crappy Neighbors.  This couple is interesting on so many levels.    My first encounter with them was when they moved in.  I took over a plate of cookies and a jar of home-made applesauce (I know – so Martha, right??) to welcome them.  There was a toddler, a man and a woman in the garage… oh… and did I mention tension was also there?  So, I introduce myself and hand my offering to the woman- and she says, “Oh.  I am not the wife.”  The husband awkwardly says that his wife will be there in a couple of days.   Well then… Enjoy the applesauce!

Anyhoo, that’s how it began.  I finally do meet “the wife” and she is bat-shit crazy.  Then some kind of drama happens between the pool people and the house on one side of them – and those people tell anyone who will listen how much they hate the pool people and how they are going to be moving because of them.  So they really do move!  I couldn’t believe how ugly it had to have been to make them leave, but I soon found out.  The neighbors on the other side of the pool people exposed more craziness.  In the mail, we get a notice that there is going to be a land-use review at city hall – followed up the next day by a letter from the pool people telling us how great they are.  We are confused by these letters.  Now I call these neighbors the “pool people” but at this time – none of us knew that they had a pool.  You see – we live in a protected wetland area.  We are not really supposed to have lawns (because they are a non-native species)  let alone pools….  but these people secretly installed a huge gorgeous pool and went beyond their own wetland property into the electric company-owned wetland easement and landscaped it, too!  (Surprise!!) They said that the previous mayor told them they could have a pool.  (The previous mayor was impeached because she was stupid and told people they could build pools in wetlands.  OK, that’s not true. She was impeached for sexting photos of her vagina to several young men.  OK, that’s not true either.  She actually was impeached for falsifying a college degree.)

The pool people may not have even been caught had the wife not gone out in the middle of the night and changed the property lines because she wanted to install some type of deck and wanted just a leetle bit of the neighbors land to do it on.  The neighbors on the other side of them had finally reached their breaking point and filed a complaint with the city.  The  quote to me from “the wife” was, “I don’t want to be the neighbor that people hate!”  And I’m like, then don’t do things that make people hate you, you moron.  I thought that in my head super-loudly so I think she heard it.  Meanwhile, the husband – who is an attorney – said things like, “I didn’t know I needed a permit.  I don’t know how these things are done.”  Really?  Wow.  Kinda like: I’m just a common country lawyer doin’ business with a gentleman’s handshake!  Riiiiight.

SO this goes on for ages.  And years.  Larger newspapers picked up the story and published photos of the pool – and Google Earth pics of the back yard – showing how they completely landscaped a ton of land that wasn’t theirs, etc.   Finally the city demands the removal of the pool and the restoration of the land to it’s native condition – and they slap the pool people with a hefty fine.  The pool people eventually removed the pool, and to prove it – there was a photo of the pool gone and the back yard freshly grated published in the paper.  My husband says that they probably just purchased a large tarp made to look like freshly grated dirt – and just laid it over their backyard and are probably enjoying their pool right now.

I wonder if she is under the camouflage tarp...

Hey – I should go layout and enjoy a dip with them.  We are neighbors after all.



From → Blog

One Comment
  1. jfallen permalink

    Holy crap I feel your pain, at least as far as having asshole neighbors with barky dogs. Hah! There he goes right now as I am writing this, and the fun part is how he gets going for a while and then the chain reaction begins and all of the other barky dogs get going… ahhh so much fun to work from home ; ) Time to get my sound-reducing earbuds back in place and crank up the damn music. Thanks for the great post!

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