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January 17, 2013

I am a PROUD card-carrying, flag-flying, member of the 2%.  I bask in the glow of my elite 2% status and disdainfully loathe the 98% of the rest of you. IF I could banish the 98% to some far-off land to live out their lives – away from me – I happily would.

WHAT? You think I am talking about those Richey-Rich 2% of the wealthiest people in the US? Noooo, no,no,no,no.

I am a member of the 2% who actually know how to drive. The remaining 98% of people are idiots who I wish would suddenly become environmentally conscious (hell, conscious of ANYTHING) so they would take the bus or ride a bike EVERYWHERE, or just… well, die.  Strong words, you say?  Well, it’s true.  I hate virtually every other person who drives a car.  I have to grit my teeth, say a little prayer, and take medication before I get out into traffic.   I use all my self control to keep from constantly ramming into people to let them know HOW STUPID I THINK THEY ARE.  (Because, as my tagline says: “If I don’t tell them, how will they know?”  It’s kinda like my secret job.)

Along with Rainman, I am an excellent driver.  I know the laws, driving rules, etc.  I am a very efficient driver.  I know where I am going and can think ahead (unlike many drivers – mostly men – who don’t think about getting over into the exit lane until it is almost too late – even though they take the same exit everyday.  HELLO?????)  I am a courteous driver.  I will let you in – IF YOU DESERVE IT AND ARE NOT TRYING TO WAIT UNTIL THE LAST MILLIMETER TO MERGE IN.  If you are one of those asshats who are so super-duper special that you need to cut ahead of everyone else in traffic because your stuff is waaaaay more important than everyone else’s stuff – I will make it as difficult for you as I can to merge into traffic.  And I will do it with a smile.

I do have standards, though.  I have a set of rules that I strictly follow.  There are about 4 main ones that I will share with you.  #1. I honk at people – but only to tell them they are NOT doing something correctly – and I never honk if the person is over 70 – because that usually scares them into complete driving-paralyzation and screws up traffic even further.  #2. I never tail-gate when someone is in the fast lane going too slowly, but stay just close enough to irritate them and no matter what they do, I maintain the same distance from their car.  Exactly.  (I like to think it drives them crazy.  In most likelihood, however, the morons probably don’t even know that there is another car behind them – let alone know what the speed limit is.)  It is not an easy task to keep the space between 2 moving cars EXACTLY the same especially when the lead car is someone who does not drive at a consistent speed, but it is a challenge that I must meet.  It also keeps me entertained and from RAMMING THEIR CAR.

Why is that crazy lady waving at me?#3.  Do not flip people off.  EVER.  If I find some jerk-off giving me the finger – usually because he has done something wrong and has to blame somebody other than himself for his idiocy – I give him a BIG smile and a rapid hand wave.  The moron will either look confused, get so furious he pisses his pants, or drive away feeling like the-man-with-the-small-penis he actually is.  Any of those 3 outcomes are good.

#4.  Always play mind games with lunatics who tailgate.  This brings me to a story from my youth.  In Seattle a long time ago, I was trying to merge into traffic and this car would not let me in.  After finally getting into traffic, I drove around and got in front of his car because I needed to get off at the next exit.  The car decided to tailgate me aggressively.  In turn, I slammed on my brakes so hard that blue smoke rose from my tires and his tires and it made a really loud tire-squeal noise like you see on the movies.  I was feeling victorious for about 10 seconds, until I got off the exit and was stuck in a huge line of cars at a stoplight.  The driver I had “taught a lesson to” was right behind me in line.  He got out of his car, came up to my window and started pounding on it screaming for me to OPEN THE WINDOW!!!!!  I was like, uhhhh-nooo, and this is the interesting part:  He jumped up on my hood and bashed my windshield in with his fist.  Then he got into his car, flipped a U-ie and drove away.  There were a million witnesses and when the cops came and ran the license plate number – it came back as a stolen plate.  Then, as if the incident couldn’t get any worse.  The cop asked me out – which I decided to accept – and then he turned out to be a complete douche-bag misogynist (surprise!) and I stormed out of the restaurant before eating.  (NOTE: This last part has nothing to do with the story.)

Soooo where was I….  oh yeah, Rule #4.  So because I learned my lesson about slamming on my brakes when people tailgate, now I spray my windshield with wiper fluid so it floats back and gets all over their windshield.  (If it’s raining, sadly, there is not much to do.)  I never drive in the fast lane unless I am going fast or passing, so usually there is no real reason for anyone to tailgate me, but eventually, after irritating them enough, I will try and get over so the tail-gating offender can race by me.  (ONLY because I secretly am hoping that they will drive too fast and I will see them pulled over a few miles ahead.)

Those 4 rules form the basis of my driving standards.  If everyone else could learn the driving laws and adhere to my driving standards it would be a safer, more enjoyable world to drive in.  More importantly, we could all be part of the 2%!!!!  Well, except for that dumb Seattle cop.  :b



From → Blog

  1. Anonymous permalink

    Great story. I can relate…….kinda’. I pulled the ole’ hit my brakes when the guy was following to close……….he pulled up beside me…….I looked over……..he had a gun pointed at me! He told me to pull over. hahah Momma drowned all the dumb ones!! Sorry pal! Maybe next time! Welcome to Oklahoma!!

  2. Anonymous permalink

    I would literally rather MISS my own exit than give someone (not just anyone, but you know the type I mean) the satisfaction of passing me. When some ass is frantically behind me to pass, I will speed up to the car in the other lane and then keep the exact speed as that other car…leaving the would-be passer essentially trapped behind us. I love to watch them go completely nuts swerving back and forth from lane to lane. Ahhh….the pure joy of it. “TOO BAD, JERKY!”, I say. And then, because I don’t want them to have the satisfaction of my exiting the freeway, I will actually purposely miss my exit and prolong his (inevitably it’s a man) agony. Your Friend, Becky H.

  3. Hey, you used to write magnificent, but the last seaverl posts have been kinda boring?I miss your great writings. Past seaverl posts are just a bit out of track! come on!

  4. Anonymous permalink

    Love it … and that windshield wiper fluid trick works great..!

  5. Yeah, but he was sexy in that uniform. Not that it has ANYTHING to do with your story. 😉

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