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Why I Hate Martha Stewart (Oh, and Merry Christmas.)

December 25, 2012

I used to adore Martha. I admired her ability to create an amazing home filled with amazing food, decor, plants. people, music, etc. I subscribed to her magazine. I watched her shows. I bought her books. I really liked her and even wanted to be like her (minus the OCD tendencies, weird controlling personality, and criminal record.) But Martha betrayed me in a way I can never forgive. She led me on.  She made me believe that I could actually be like her – that I could do one of her craft projects. That I could be a better woman.

Martha is a big fat craft-turd and I shall never forgive her. I hate Martha Stewart. This is my story.

DECEMBER, 1996:

I am a new member of the Martha Stewart Cult. I love her. I worship her. I want to be MARTHA. (Well, not really.) Anyway, on the cover of the December issue of Martha Stewart’s Living, was a beautiful cranberry wreath. I loved it and after looking at the simple directions (2 – 3 bags of cranberries, 2 boxes of round toothpicks, one 14″ Styrofoam wreath; break toothpicks in half, sort cranberries and use only the hardest ones so the wreath will last longer, insert broken end into cranberry, stick cranberries all over wreath – hang on door and enjoy,) I felt that inspite of being crafts-impaired, I might be able to handle this one. Originally, I was planning on spending $60.00 for a store-bought wreath that I could use year after year, but I was thinking that $60 was a lot of money. “HEY – this Martha wreath can’t cost that much,” I thought. The only problem was that I would have to actually make the wreath.

Looks easy... right, Martha?

Looks easy… right, Martha?

As all my friends know… I am not the “arts-and-craftsy” type. I can’t spell kreeativ. BUT… this Martha wreath spoke to my soul and told me “YOU CAN DO THIS, RHONDA!!” So I went to seven stores and bought everything I needed. My husband, Jeff, was going out of town for a few days and so I had a little time to do something for myself. Something ARTSY AND CRAFTSY!! I was so proud. I was a real mom.

For just a minute…

Then I started making the (insert swear word here) wreath. I think that Martha must live in the cranberry capital of the world because all of the cranberries on her wreath were red. The cranberries out of the bag that I purchased are not all red, and many of them are a little squishy. (8 bags later, I ended up having enough cranberries that were both the correct shade of red and firm enough to handle the toothpick.) I didn’t have enough toothpicks, either. (Back to the (insert swear word here ) store.) Anyway, the first night I had about one third of it done. Jeff called to check in and I told him my big news. He was surprised, but supportive. I was a little nervous because it was not going exactly as planned, but I could envision the finished project – and I could tell that it was going to look great. I was determined to stick to my goal. (I think that Jeff was excited about saving the $60.)

My kids DESPERATELY wanted to help me with “my project.” I told them that this was Momma’s project, and just like they had art projects that they didn’t want any help on – I really wanted to do this project all by myself. (Actually I was about ready to call Martha on the phone at 4:00 AM and ask HER for some help, but I didn’t.) I just kept pushing those cranberries into the foam. Finally at about 11:00 on the second night – I finished my wreath. I WAS SO EXCITED!! It truly was lovely and looked just like the picture.

The kids were asleep, Jeff was out of town, and the neighborhood was dark. Nobody had seen my beautiful wreath yet – my artsy-craftsy wreath that I made with my own little hands – but I wanted it on the door of my brand-new home for all of my new yuppie neighbors to see. (And of course be jealous over, because they all subscribe to Martha Stewart’s magazine too.)

The next morning I woke up so satisfied, so complete as a woman. I had actually made something!! I was smiling all morning – and then the day got even better. Bryant and Katie had MARTHA on the TODAY show and she SHOWED HER BEAUTIFUL CRANBERRY WREATH ON THE TODAY SHOW!!!!! MY BEAUTIFUL CRANBERRY WREATH WAS ON NATIONAL TV!! I was elated. Even the kids were excited: “MOM your project is on TV!!” We finished getting ready to start our day. I kept imagining how all my neighbors were reading Martha – and now watching Martha – and how they were going to see my wreath on my door and know I belonged to the Martha cult, (and that I probably stayed at home like a good mom and dedicated a lot of my time to charities and craft bazaars.)

We opened the door to get into the car

-and my beautiful Martha wreath was on the ground in about a million pieces. “Mom, your project fell down!” said the kids. My hopes of status and admiration within the community were dashed. Not a single person – kids and husband included – had seen the beautiful wreath that I made. I almost cried.

Die, Cranberries!  DIE!!!

Die, Cranberries! DIE!!!

But, I took this as a sign from God that I was not meant to do artsy craftsy things EVER AGAIN.

Then I took the kids to school, went to the mall and bought a $80 wreath.

…and I lived happily ever after.

THE END.

(NOTE to readers:  I wrote this as a letter to my girlfriends in 1996, but since Martha is still trashing women’s self-esteem today, I wanted to share it again.  It’s an oldie, but goodie.  Merry Christmas!!!)

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8 Comments
  1. Will williams permalink

    Hahahahagag!! You have a fan in me … Oh Cranberry Goddess! Screw Martha!

  2. sandy soloway permalink

    I loved your blog. And I LOVE Martha Stewart. I found your looking in my google search “why do people hate Martha Stewart” and I still have not figured it out. Why they hate her? So far it boils down to jealousy. But oh well. I am not a jealous person. So I will continue to be a Martha Stewart fan, finding no valid reason to dislike her. But I wouldn’t touch that cranberry wreath project with a 10 foot pole!

  3. Seam permalink

    what a rant this is… i am no fan of martha or anybody… but there are many who make good crafts, this article sounds more like a glorification of your failure at doing something crafty. a little immature. just take those tips you want from martha or whoever else and find your own way to make them work… and please grow up…

    • Seam: I was following Martha’s directions because I DON’T know how to make things. Her directions were not based in reality and were not workable as written. Your comment is lame and only sounds like a troll with nothing better to do with her/his time. Perhaps you should grow up and GET A LIFE. Oh, and since I am immature I will add one caveat: BITE ME. :b

      • Rob permalink

        Good for you! While I was searching for others that really do hate Martha to see why they do. I enjoyed your jab at her while you gave me the picture that you wanted to do something of an artsy project without all the “Martha” I’m perfect and I’ve done it all and know it all attitude. That’s what I feel about Martha, but loved your story with all its imperfections.

  4. Neil Penny permalink

    Not a Martha fan. Watched her roast a chook/ leg of lamb/beef fillet (cannot remember which). So, time comes to make the gravy. She had a bit of a go making the gravy from the pan juices and fails, and then reverts to a packet mix. Never forgave her. Gravy from pan juices is not rocket science. If the recipe requires even a modicum of technique, she fails.

    To be fair, Martha is a mile ahead of that Paula Dean who makes everything from a packet, jar or can. Hardly healthy.

  5. Merry Christmas!!!! You are funny but I know that every thing you said is True!!!! It is never as flawless as they portray it 99% of the time 🙂

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