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My Husband is a Clueless Baby-Maker

August 27, 2012

My husband and I got married about 6 months before we had our oldest son, Josh.  He was a pretty great baby, but as a young working mother, I was about tapped out.  My husband, on the other hand, was all about having more kids.  He was not as tapped out as me.  In fact, I don’t think he was tapped at all.  I wanted to TAP him on the head.  He got to drive my brand new sports car to work (the opposite direction of Seattle rush-hour) every morning, while I went straight into the bowels of traffic hell every morning with my new baby in a hand-me-down POS car.  In his defense, I did agree that putting the baby and carseat in the POS car was safer – and more legal – than strapping it down to the top of the sports car since there was no rear seat.  But it didn’t make it any easier for me to give up the ONLY new car I had ever owned.  The single saving grace to my commute was I decided my infant and I were a carpool and got to go 15 mph in the HOV lane rather than 12.  (woo-wee!)

4 months after the arrival of my first born, I thought I was pregnant again.  I. Lost. My. Mind.  My husband told me that “I was stronger than I thought I was” at which point I LOUDLY TOLD HIM THAT I WAS NOT STRONGER THAN I THOUGHT I WAS.  IN FACT I WAS I WAS BARELY HANGING ON TO THE SMALL BIT OF SANITY I HAD LEFT THANK YOU VERY MUCH.  Then I burst into tears.  (This was kinda awkward for the rest of the patrons in the fancy restaurant that were celebrating  a romantic Valentine’s Day.)  After finishing dinner, we stopped and purchased an EPT and to my relief it came back negative.  (Happy Valentine’s Day to me!!)

However my husband, Jeff, was NOT relieved.  In fact he began to talk about having another baby.  A LOT.  I was all like “One kid is PLENTY.  Let’s get a dog!!”  And he was all like, “No, I think a another baby would be so great.  When you were a kid do you remember playing with your parents or your dog – or do you remember playing with your brothers?  I think we NEED to have another baby for Josh to play with.”  And I was all like “How ’bout a dog and a cat??”  He finally wore me down with a bunch of crap about marriage being about compromise and partnership and family and love, blah, blah, blah, (just kidding) and we decided to have another baby.  So I stopped taking the pill and four minutes later – AND I AM NOT EXAGERRATING – we were pregnant.  All was well in the world.

For about 3 months.

Then I went to have my AFP test done and the OBGYN’s office called me the next day to tell me that I needed to come in for an ultrasound immediately.  I knew the AFP test was to check for downs or spinabifida, and I asked the nurse what the issue was.  She told me that I was probably farther along than they thought I was.  I told her that I was NOT farther along than they thought I was – that I knew the exact moment I was impregnanted – and I was NOT as far along as they were saying AND WHAT DID THAT MEAN REGARDING THE TEST?  That’s when she told me the AFP level was higher than it should be and it was probably nothing, but that an elevated level can mean a chance of spinabifida….  CLICK.  I hung up the phone and started wailing.  I called my mom who promptly told me that I could not have a baby that wasn’t perfect because I would never be able to handle….  CLICK.  I called my husband who told me that it was “probably nothing – you are stronger than you think you…” CLICK.  I finally called my mother-in-law who is an RN and she asked if they said anything about multiples?  You mean more than one baby?  NO they didn’t.  And there are no twins in our family and my baby is going to be handicapped, and I am a bad mom, etc. etc.  It was a rough night.

The next morning my husband and I went in for the ultrasound and they were whipping around my tummy  with the slimey wand-thingy and the tech told us that the reason the AFP test was so high is because there are TWO BABIES IN THERE: a boy and a girl.  Relief.  And then a numbness settled in.  We had been arguing over baby names for 3 months. (Me:  How about Abby?  Jeff: Nah, there was a girl that rode the bus with me in the 1st grade that I hated.  Me:  How about Nathan?  Jeff: Nah, there was a movie that I remember watching when I was little and there was a really scary character named Nathan in it.  Me:  How about Molly?  Jeff: Nah, there was this girl in college that I dated and her sister’s best friend’s next-door-neighbors wife’s dog trainer was named Molly and I didn’t like her.  Anyway, you get the idea.  We couldn’t agree on any names.)  But in our numbed state, we got into the elevator after finding out that we were having a boy and a girl, and I asked “How about Zachary and Isabel?”  And he said, “Yeah, I like those names.”  Done.

Having twins – and a 2-1/2 year old old – was gonna be SO EASY!!!

So we got to call all our friends and family with the great news.  Since we already had Josh, we told people that everything was ok and that we were having a girl.  They would start congratulating us,  and well-wishing, and we would interrupt them with  “And a boy.”  It was pretty fun.  I called my mom and told her the great news – and after telling me that OF COURSE I had arranged to have twins because I would get so much more attention that way (Oh. Yes. She. Did.)  She also asked me if we had picked out names.  I told her the choices and she was so upset with the name Isabel because it was the name of their parking lot attendant and she was just this awful person and that I just couldn’t name my daughter Isabel.  I told here to zip-it or I would tell everyone that I named my daughter AFTER the parking lot attendant specfically.  Besides,  the second choices were Clementine and Einstein.  (Our last name is Valentine.)  That totally shut her up.

I secretly wanted to name the twins Little Penis and Vagina Valentine, but I knew that my husband would never want to have a boy named Little.

:b

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3 Comments
  1. Anonymous permalink

    You have a talent young lady…………..we just have to figure out how to exploit the HELL out of it!

  2. sugarplum1216 permalink

    Thank you so much. I don’t remember laughing out loud literally in such a long time. You write beautifully. God bless on your blessings.

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