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Why I am Not Allowed at the Post Office Anymore

August 16, 2012

One would think that having 2 post offices close to my office would be a nice convenience, but as it turns out, not so much.  The large post office has 6 places for USPS personnel to wait on the public – but the most they ever have manning the counter is 2 people  – and inevitably one of those 2 postal employees is assisting with someone who is getting a passport.  Sometimes entire excited families are getting their passports at the same time.  That usually means those families are going on some exotic vacation – AND they are hogging all the post office employees time.  I hate those people.  I’m pretty sure the postal employees hate them too.

This leaves me with the smaller post office.  It is more of a neighborhood post office and is manned by a guy named Steve who is nearing retirement.  Most times, things move fairly well through Steve’s Post Office, but sometimes I think that Steve could pick up the pace just a leetle bit.  Steve loves to talk with his customers.   And. He’s. Slow.  Let’s call him Slow Steve.  Usually while waiting in line, I fantasize about pulling out Slow Steve’s obnoxious chest hair – that would not show if he was wearing a highly recommended undershirt– and force feed it to him.  As I think angry thoughts about Slow Steve and his lack of an undershirt, I find that the time in line passes rather quickly.

Last week I had about 10 packages to mail.  I had them all wrapped, metered, and all the forms I needed were filled out.  I researched what was the cheapest way to send them and I did all the prep work before arriving at the post office.  I am efficient.  I appreciate efficiency in others.  What I have noticed, however, is there are a lot of people in the world who are NOT efficient.  Let’s call these folks lazy-assed idiots happy people.   TONS of happy people go to the post office.  And no matter how many times these happy people mail packages – it’s like a brand new adventure to them every time!  They never seem to remember that there are labels, and forms, and different ways to mail things, and different costs.  They seem to think that one Forever Stamp works for everything.  They are just so damned happy I can barely stand it.

In the large post office, the happy people who come to the counter unprepared and clueless are asked to go to another counter and fill out their labels, etc.  But at Slow Steve’s post office, he lets them do all the stuff they should have done at home – or before they got in line – right there at his counter while he proudly displays his chest hair and chats ‘em up.  Most times there are not many folks there, so I quietly wish Slow Steve and the happy person were dead, but this time there were MANY people in line.  There were so many people that I actually got bored with being disgusted by Slow Steve’s chest hair and had moved on to his age-inappropriate bowl haircut.  (Hello??  This is WHAT. I. DO.  I am the judgmentalblogger.  I JUDGE.)   AND I had all my packages with me – AND I had a cold, which meant I was crabby to begin with.  Things were NOT looking good for Slow Steve.

After Slow Steve helped several semi-happy people, came the HAPPIEST MAN OF ALL TIME.  He brought his package up to mail, but did not have his label filled out.  So Slow Steve helped him fill his label out.  Then Slow Steve asked the happy man for the $10.00 postage to mail the package.  The happy man wanted to know if there were less expensive ways to mail the package – which he would have known had he bothered to look at the rates – but Slow Steve happily went through all his options.  After deciding that perhaps they could fit his package into a Priority Envelope, they both tried to stuff it in.  The package was too big and it tore the envelope, but Slow Steve went to the back and got special sanctioned USPS tape and they taped it up.  Then because they had sealed and taped the Priority Envelope over the first labels that the happy man had filled out, he had to re-fill out new labels.  Then the man wrote a check for his postage.  It was $5.15.  This entire process took A LOT OF TIME.  A man 6 people behind me told Slow Steve to “Come on and hurry it up,” in the kind of way that he hoped sounded like he was just teasing, but even the toddler in line with his mom realized he was not.  FINALLY the happy man’s transaction was completed and Steve proudly announced to his captive audience that he had saved the man $5 WHOLE DOLLARS – like we were going to start high-fiving the happiest man of all time, and hugging each other, and sending out Tweets regarding Slow Steve’s amazing feat.

Now this is the moment when my ‘welcome’ status at the small post office was revoked.  Since it was my turn with Slow Steve, I let Slow Steve know that “THE $5 THE HAPPY MAN SAVED WAS SPENT MANY TIMES OVER BY THOSE OF US WASTING 15 MINUTES EACH OF OUR INDIVIDUAL TIME AS TWO GROWN MEN TRIED TO STUFF A BOX TOO BIG INTO AN ENVELOPE THAT WAS TOO SMALL AND THEN TAPE IT WITH MAGIC TAPE AND THEN FILL OUT 2 MORE LABELS AGAIN AND PEOPLE WONDER WHY THE POST OFFICE IS LOSING BILLIONS OF DOLLARS AND YOU COULD BE THE POSTER CHILD FOR THE POSTAL SERVICE LOSING BILLIONS OF DOLLARS BUT YOUR CHEST HAIR IS ICKY AND I DON’T KNOW WHY YOUR WIFE DOESN’T TELL YOU TO WEAR AN UNDERSHIRT AND YOUR HAIR LOOKS WORSE THAN RINGO STARR’S DID WHEN HE WAS A BEATLE EXCEPT THAT YOU ARE 60 YEARS OLD AND THERE IS NO WAY THEY WOULD WANT YOU ON A POSTER FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. “

Just kidding.  I stopped at the part where he could be the poster child.  But what I did spew out was enough to scare the shit out of everyone in the post office.  After that, I stormed out WITHOUT mailing my packages.

So WHO’s happy now?

:b

All he is missing is icky chest hair

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3 Comments
  1. Anonymous permalink

    Love the purple shirt………Bee Gee collars……..and the hair………OH MY!

  2. Chest hair is just pubes on the chest. I am with you.

    x,
    Becca

    Lady or Not…Here I Come

  3. annie valentine permalink

    You should have told him about the chest hair. Maybe he could have used a little of his magic tape to save the suffering public.

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