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NOTHING Good Can Come From Facebook (just kidding….)

March 26, 2013
Whaddya mean NO FACEBOOK??

After resisting Facebook for quite awhile, I finally joined about 5 years ago.  I have come to enjoy FB and use it as a place to brag about showcase my ultra-fabulous family.  What I really want, however, is to have multiple FB Pages.  This would alow me to say whatever was on my mind without offending anyone.  OK, without offending anyone I care about.  These multiple FB Pages would allow me to post everything I want to that is in questionable taste, borderline politically-incorrect, and those things that I super-duper wish I could say, but don’t because it would hurt/enrage/confuse/irritate those people who I do NOT wish to hurt/enrage/confuse or irritate.  I guess I am thinking it may be OK to piss off complete strangers, but alienating friends and family  – not so much.

I would begin with a tasteful, wholesome  FB page.  I shall call it my MARTHA STEWART FB PAGE.  This is the one where I can post photos of my perfect family. If I had one.  I would post recipes featuring Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom Soup, (YUM!) inspirational quotes, make uber nice comments about everybody elses children, click *like* on their clever comments, and ooo-n-ahh over their totally boring amazing vacation photos.  This particular FB page would be for some of my friends, my in-laws, clients without a sense of humor, parents of kids my kids go to school with, and the Pope.

My next FB page is where I would be able to be anonymous and post whatever the eff I wanted with NO ONE knowing my identity.  I shall refer to this as my TROLL FB PAGE.  I would post all my favorite ‘People of Walmart’ and Dog-Shaming photos. I would post links to Anti-NRA, Pro-PlannedParenthood, and Cemetary Databases (don’t ask.) I would allow my freak flag to fly on this page.  I would rant at other ranters, correct their MISERABLE spelling and grammar – and I wouldn’t care if I hurt their feelings!!!!  I would extoll the virtues of my 3 most beloved tv shows: Toddlers & Tiaras, RuPaul’s Drag Race, and Judge Judy – and I WOULDN’T care WHO judged me!  I would share breaking news from TMZ and the National Enquirer without shame and I would giggle to myself at all the people who wondered exactly who this witty savant was. (Surprise!)

I would have PROFESSIONAL RHONDA FB PAGE where I document how my business operates, what we provide, and who our customers are.  I would make DAMN SURE there would be no way in God’s green earth that is could be traced to above FB page in any way.  That would be bad.

That makes me think of the conversation I had with my husband after telling him to get his own damn FB Page. He replied, “NOTHING good can come from Facebook.” And I’m all like, WTF? I know he’s right, but there is no way this clueless person has any idea what he is talking about – so I ask him to enlighten me. He tells me this story about his friend who had a FB Page for exactly 2 hours. He set it all up and was starting to get some friends, and then all of a sudden an old girlfriend friended him – and his wife was all: WHO is DEBBIE SMITH??? He promptly deleted his new FB page and told all the men he knows that NOTHING good can come from Facebook. That has been my husband’s mantra ever since. I even post embarrassing/awkward photos of him just to annoy him and try to entice him into getting his own page, but to no avail. All he does is sneak around and take pictures of me and tells me that he is going to start his own FB page featuring a backlog of awful/embarrassing/double-chin showing/cellulite filled pictures of me. That would be very bad.

A face only a beaver could love
A face only a beaver could love

 

The final FB Page would be MY FB Page. It would be a page where I could gently tease my friends, make fun of/embarrass my kids, share silly internet photos, and keep in touch with what is going on in my world and all those who have been orbiting in it for the past 50 years. I suppose that even though my MARTHA, TROLL, & PROFESSIONAL FB pages sometimes call to me, what I really want is to laugh and share with those I care about.

And if THAT isn’t something good that comes from Facebook, I will allow my husband to post a photo of his choice. Promise.
:b

From → Blog

3 Comments
  1. Maddy McClellan permalink

    You’re a funny sucker you know that? I literally just read 5 of your blogs. Hahahahaa truly clever.

  2. Anonymous permalink

    HAHA! I also resisted Facebook for years! Like your husband, I was sure that nothing good can come from Facebook-ever. MY husband was on Facebook. He had a page WAY before me. In fact, several of my friends added HIS page, because they knew that I stalked people on a regular basis with his password. He lovingly suggested many times that I get my own account (read: GET YOUR OWN DAMNED ACCOUNT, PAM!), and he even put up with the page my friends added, which was titled, “Pam Needs Facebook!.” We coexisted like this for several years, me in my happy spot behind the scenes, he (apparently) totally irritated with all of my girlfriends’ rude feminist posts and super-cute cat links. The straw that broke the donkey’s back came on my birthday last year. To my horror, which was NOTHING compared to his (trust me on this,) several of my more demented friends posted male “beefcake” shots with their greetings for me. To his account. Now, he’s an open-minded modern man, and if the shots would have been of just, I don’t know, Abercrombie models or something, he probably would have dealt. Alas, my friends are the sick and twisted variety. They posted pictures of Leonard Nimoy (shirtless, with ears) and Carrot Top (defies description. Really.) Needless to say, I was immediately BANNED from his account for life. When I set up my own account a month (and several gallons of wine) later, he immediately sent friend requests for me, then deleted most of my girlfriends from his page. As one of my friends stated with absolute gloating glee: “If I would have known a year ago that all we had to do was offend your husband’s manhood with girl-smut, this would have gone much faster!”

  3. Deborah permalink

    LOL! I love your blog~ I want my very own fb troll page! ;P

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